Formation and Ministry Resources: death

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Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Funerals

A Reflection on Funerals

My grandfather died recently. He was 94 and lived a long, full, wonderful life. His funeral was truly a celebration of a remarkable man and the life he led. As I had the opportunity to be more of a family member than a pastor for his funeral, it also got me thinking about funerals more broadly. Funerals are some of the most important work we do as the Church. As I have reflected on in past sermons (see here), we (the Church) know how to do suffering and grief. We know how to help people find comfort and make meaning in the midst of loss. This is why churches were full on the Sunday after 9/11, people knew that the Church was the place to go to help them make sense of or at least cope with tragedy . . . the question is are we ready to respond well when people come seeking that wisdom? I hope so.

Since funerals are a large part of what we can do to help people find hope in the midst of loss, here are a few reflections and ideas on how to do a funeral well:

1. PLAN YOUR FUNERAL
I cannot stress enough the gift it is for family members to have a funeral already planned out so that they can just fulfill your wishes. It saves so much questioning and potential family stress to have a service already planned out! So, please plan your own funeral and encourage family, friends and parishioners to do the same!

2. Funeral or Memorial
One of the first questions to sort is whether or not it will be a funeral or a memorial service. Will the body or ashes be present? Will the burial be done before, immediately after or at some later date? This is really for the family to decide. And I think that it many cases it can be helpful to do the burial first, so that the service in the church can be even more of a celebration of the life of the deceased. That is, however, much more easily done when the person who died lived a long full life. When the death was of a child, young person or in violent circumstances, it may be necessary or appropriate to do things differently. Of course there are also many people or family members who may just wish for a simple graveside service. Graveside services can be lovely and if that is what is preferred, some of what is below may not apply.

3. Liturgy
Since we are Episcopalians, the good news is that this pretty well covered in the Book of Common Prayer. Great comfort is found in the words of the burial service, in the ritual of that liturgy. There is something about praying the same prayers that others have prayed over the centuries that is quite healing. Our circle of support is widened because we are connected to so many others who have known what it is to grieve.

Planning a funeral liturgy is really about filling in the outline offered in the BCP. The prayers are there, suggested readings and psalms are there. The questions are: Communion or no? Burial before or after or at another time? What hymns to use? Who will preach? Who will offer remembrances? I highly recommend creating or adapting a funeral planning form, such as this one created by my good friend and colleague, Rev. Jeremiah Williamson: http://www.ecfvp.org/yourturn/funeral-planning-form/

4. Music
I cannot emphasize enough the healing and cathartic properties of many of our hymns and other pieces of sacred music. I would, therefore, strongly advocate for having at least some hymns at every funeral. They can help people begin to grieve in a way prayers or readings may not.

That being said, a few recommendations on the music front. Keep the secular music out of the body of the liturgy. It just may be that the deceased's favorite song is Stairway to Heaven, but it will like detract from the flow and ambiance of the liturgy if used as the sequence hymn. Try to keep secular music in the prelude or postlude, or better yet for the reception.

4. Remembrances and Homily
As the services are celebrations of someone's whole life it is often quite appropriate for family or friends to offer some remembrances. Generally, it is best to limit this to 2 or 3, as you will likely be offering a homily as well. If people want to have an open mic of remembrance time, that might be best done at the reception. If there are others who would like to be involved in the service, they can be invited to assist in the liturgy or do a reading. It is also a good idea to require those speaking to write down their remarks. It will help them get through an emotional time, and you might also gently suggest a word limit, so that they don't go on and on. In writing your homily, the goal is of course to connect the Scriptures to the person's life and to preach the Good News of resurrection. Even if you didn't know the person, try to make the homily at least a little personal. Talk with the family members and read the obituary. You do not need to pretend the person was your best friend. Just finding a few personal connections with Scripture or things to note will be a wonderful gift to the family.

5. Funeral Directors
This perhaps should have come first, as they are in indispensable part of the process. Funeral directors often get a bad rap for their prices. It is unfair to paint a whole profession with a broad brush. I have had the privilege of working with a number of them, and for the majority of them their work is a true calling that they take very seriously. They are pastoral and offer a lot of support to families. They also have great sense of humor and are wonderful colleagues. In many cases they will add your honorarium to the familys' bill and issue you a check. So, in addition to the gift of having colleagues who understand many of the challenges of our work, it can be to your financial benefit to build a good relationship with your local funeral directors. :)

Preparing for and presiding at a funeral is one of the great gifts of ministry. It is a true privilege to preach the Good News of the eternal nature of God's love and the gift of the resurrection. May you feel the blessing of God's presence as you do that holy work!